🙊 Feedback. We’re Getting It Wrong (Even While Still Learning)

Feedback is a recurring theme in training sessions, books, conferences, and mentoring. Yet, it continues to be a challenge for those who give it and those who receive it. Why is this the case? Is there truly one perfect approach to giving and receiving constructive criticism?

Let’s start with a couple of questions I had in my mind last month, so I sought answers.

• Why do we keep attending feedback training and reading books about it yet still struggle with giving and receiving constructive criticism?
• Why do we still cringe when someone gives a “sandwich” feedback and thinks it’s a good idea?
• What are the most common mistakes in giving feedback? What should we avoid, and what should we support?
• How can we promote a feedback culture as leaders and specialists in an organization?

🤫 To Give Good Feedback, We Must Forget About “Feedback”

We continually learn about feedback and yet still struggle to give it effectively. We must forget about ‘feedback’ in its rigid, formulaic sense to give good feedback. Learned and artificial formulas are often ignored, as they feel like templates.

Good Intentions

My approach is that if we have good intentions and feedback serves both parties (we give it so someone can improve or maintain behavior and praise them; the recipient has an opportunity to grow, realize their impact on others, and have a chance to improve or know what is great), this is the most important starting point.

As a Leader, Talk About Your Mistakes Openly

Conscious and respectful feedback means we do not want to harm the person or affect their self-esteem; thus, we focus on behavior and are attentive because only in safe conditions will people come to us when they do something great or make a mistake. If they know we are on their side and the goal is not to point out mistakes and compete over who makes more but to strive for a higher goal, we will be in a good place. Truth from an employee is a win, but if people are afraid, we see it in their behavior. Talking about our mistakes (as leaders) is the best — it shows we are also human and that it’s completely normal. It’s behavioral, not just saying, “Admitting mistakes is okay.”

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural… Conversation

For good feedback reception, natural conversations are crucial, without phrases that bristle, such as “I need to tell you something” or “We need to have a serious talk.” Instead, we should have natural and relaxed discussions about situations, campaigns, and strategies, focusing on what is good, maybe exceptional, insightful, and what requires deepening or changing, creating a sense of equal conversation rather than opposition. Language, its tone, and word choice matter a lot. Timing is crucial so both parties remember well and have the context in mind.

You Must Learn the Rules to Break Them

I know managers who feed on theory, read and train in feedback or “feed-forward,” trying to memorize all elements of FUKO (Feedback, Understood, Known, Outcome; in other words, that’s an acronym for facts, emotions, consequences, and expectations) from the book but fear contact with another person. In my opinion, instead of going to another training, they should practice in the field. In the beginning, like with any field, we must follow the textbook step by step, but reading feedback notes endlessly word for word is useless. Remember the following text: Points, overall message, and scope are crucial, but they shouldn’t come across as a proclamation.

💩 Problems with Giving Feedback — Why Do We Still Have Them (When We Keep Talking About It)?

Desire to be Liked is a Bad Trait

From my experience working at various hierarchy levels in different organizations and teams, one of the main issues is the desire to be liked.

We sometimes forget that a good leader provides safety and coherence, sees more, connects the dots, and gives feedback to help us grow, not just praise. A leader should command respect (a healthy one, not necessarily based on hierarchy), and liking is secondary. This also applies to peer relationships when we want to generate only stereotypically “positive” interactions, forgetting that well-given feedback is valuable for both parties and is positive. There’s no need to make a “problem” out of mistakes or raising the bar — it’s a matter of our approach and naming things.

Fear of Hurting Someone

Another issue is the fear of hurting someone or saying something wrong. This often results from a lack of mature, conscious, and attentive communication skills. Effective communication means avoiding quantifiers (never, always) or other generalizations, focusing on the task, not the person and their traits, avoiding comparisons to others, and not imposing our opinions. There are situations where 2+2 was added and resulted in 5 (and it wasn’t synergy), and we know someone was right or wrong in binary terms; however, often, our feedback should be a suggestion, a question for reflection, not an imposition of opinion. Otherwise, we take away ownership from people and the ability to decide, and we do not develop or support their independence but make ourselves the last element of processes, thus a bottleneck.

Choose Where To Let People Make Their Own Decisions

When we don’t have facts, only an opinion, we must remember that in subjective matters, it’s better to let go and allow people to take responsibility, even if we “think” something is better because, for instance, it’s our idea. If something isn’t a mistake, it’s worth suggesting, but the decision should be left to others. It’s important to recognize that others are also learning when giving us feedback and making recommendations. We should ask ourselves if a change and our feedback are necessary.

Sometimes, you can see comments in files just for the sake of commenting. Statements like “wrong” or “different” don’t add value without specifics and examples. How should someone else know if we don’t know what we mean?

Instant Feedback > 360-s or Quarterly Performance Reviews

I also know people who feared giving feedback so much that they waited for quarterly, semi-annual, or annual feedback sessions, where the comprehensive feedback was overwhelming, contained too much information. It was hard to return to the context of specific tasks. I’m a fan of instant feedback — what’s great, what could be better, we have the context, and the current situation, quickly resolve issues, and adjust daily. If we don’t give instant feedback, especially on tasks done for the first time, we create someone’s habits. They’ve been doing something for months, and we’re just now waking up?

The risks of waiting include expecting someone to guess, complaining instead of solving the problem directly with the person, and allowing the problem to grow because someone doesn’t know they need to improve.

💡Summary. Good Practices for Giving Feedback

1. If you have to remember just one thing from this newsletter, it is this: forget rigid templates. Feedback should be natural and authentic, not based on learned formulas. Communication should be natural. Avoid formal phrases like “I need to tell you something.” Opt for relaxed, open conversations.
2. Consider the goal of the feedback, which is to improve behavior or maintain positive actions, benefiting both the giver and the receiver. Respect and awareness are key: focus on behavior, not the person, and create a safe environment for feedback. Practice is essential — apply feedback principles in real situations rather than reciting them from a textbook.
3. Timing is crucial; please give feedback as soon as possible when the context is fresh.
4. A good leader focuses on development through constructive feedback. The desire to be liked should not overshadow the need to provide valuable feedback. Be specific and fact-based, avoiding quantifiers like “never” or “always.” Provide regular, timely feedback to avoid overwhelming information.
5. Use feedback frameworks like FUKO (Facts, Feelings, Consequences, Expectations), SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact), DESC (Describe-Express-Specify-Consequences), and STAR (Situation-Task-Action-Result) to structure feedback effectively.
6. Finally, treat others as you would like to be treated, ensuring feedback is respectful and constructive.

What do you think about feedback?

Best,

Klaudia